Monsieur Jacques is not 'appy!

How goes, my olds! Here at Sons of the Big Canoe there is mighty big uproar, I can tell you.
And why?
Is it sadness about baby seal-cull? Pfah, no!
Pounding heart for Madame Jean and her appetites? Hein, no fear!
Trembling about that customer of Frugal Colonial Food who has died from Polar Bear Liver? But no, he did not read the label with great care!

What is it, then, Jacques, our brawny son of the backwood, you ask?
Dam Yankee, that is what!
It is this -

Those sneaky Southpaws with their pistol-packing ways are taking the monkey of the Canucks, big way. And how? In no-good, unfriendly border-fencing way, that's how, my braves.

Look here ...

U.S. to boost Canada border presence by 45%

They won't get far, though, by! Jacques does not give one loonie for those cowboys with their "Hey, Jacques, where is your passport?" What is this!!! Jacques loves the untamed bush and the sleek beaver altogether, and he does not need passepartout for his doings! No sir, madame.

And so, fellow proud Canucks, Join us at Sons of the Big Canoe and, pouf, no more USA holiday or visit to Disneyland. Soon they will learn. Come with us Madame Jean, and we will eat seal in their face togehter.

We are not cheese-eating surrender-monkeys like what they say about our cousins, so here's what we do. We ask all those Yankees crossing the border, "Hey, you speak French?" "No?" "Well ... you can't come in. So there .. now go back and smoke that in your hat!" See how they are liking that!


What is more, my cabbages, Mr Nuniwokingkac is, right now, translating this book and calling it instead The Poutine Curtain.
We are floating boxes of them across to Cowboy-land and then we will see who's laughing at last!

Uglu Sushi: Home-grown Canadian Luxury.

Attention, here it is, my pretty chickadees! All is in production. How strange is life, to be so! One moment Jacques and the veritable Mr Nuniwokingkac are languish in the gutter. The next, Holy Blue, we are the favoured suppliers in Rideau Hall. Oh yes, it's true. No sooner has that ironic lady, Madame Jean, read Jacques's last post, than Pouf! The orders have winged in.

Well Jacques, you say, it is surely no surprise. You are, after all, the man of many clevers. Was it not Jacques Shellac who has first imported refrigerators to Mr Nuniwokingkac's village of Igluknuk? Ah yes, that was a story. But another time.

In the meantime, we at Sons of the Big Canoe must turn our hand to the sushi. Mr Nuniwokingkac, already, waxes his paddle and hones his big knife in ready to hunt the little seals.
And Jacques, he tries the recipes and send them to Madame Jean in the big city for her try. How do you think now? Do you have your money-sock in your hand? Uglu Sushi will be very big, and you will make plenty dollars.

You are a valued Big Canoe friend and so, I have already sent you one free Premier Cru Uglusushi bento box. Soon you will enjoy hand-patted (by own fair thumbs) seal-heart miso rolls, tail-fin nigiri, the classic firecracker flippers sauce and, not forget, wasabi for no extra cost! Such feast!

We already explore new possibilities, too. With enormous expense we has sent out many of Jacque's hardy Quebec amis to search in the far and wide for toothsome tastes. And what have we we found? You will be surprised. It is huge, it is sauvage, it gives big fright with his nasty claw and teeth of yellow ... but he taste good! Yes - the polar bear teriyaki is not to be smelled at, and soon it will be all over you.


And so, finally, I share with you our caring company logo. It will sell Uglusushi all around because it show our consideration for natural food from the wild. We are proud to share, and hope you like. Let us know your mind.

Governor General, Jacques Shellac elevates you!

What watch? Such watch! Ah but yes, my olds, such time have passed since last I was massaging you all on the air. But now such a thing has happened! What is it, Jacques, you old friend of the muskeg, I hear you say. Have you turned another leaf? Has the veritable Mr Nuniwokingkac eloped again on his endless ramblings? My pretty larks, no. Jacques has kept all his foliage the right side up.

Mr Nuniwokingkac is home from peregrinating in India (but, it's true, he is a much quiet man since that trip. All he say, much of the time is, "Jai ho Ganpati." What does this mean?) No, caulifloweres, the great event that has broke my silence is this ... I was read, in the British Guardian gazette:

CANADIAN GOVERNOR GENERAL EATS RAW SEAL'S HEART

Name of a dog, at last! My eyes was trumped when I read it, my good chums, but there it is. Madame Michaelle Jean, she is one tough cookie, oh yes!

This is the sign, companions.

Gird your legs up and get over here to the Canadas as quick as you can hop.

But wait, Jacques, you say. Fondle your ponies! Why is it such a hurry?
The queues, my friends, the queues! That will be the why. This Madame Jean she have said, "It's good for you. It's very rich in protein" Now you can see! It is global money-crunch?

Yes! We are depressed? Of course! The bankers are self-obsessed? No doubt.
But Nuniwokingkac and Shellac have the answer and it is "Sons of the Big Canoe Uglu Sushi."
We shall be selling all over the world, and you can be part. Pull out your money-socks and look out for our shares. You, my little onions, are my good readers and friends, and so I offer you this chance first.

My olds, it is long time since I write, but no joke, Frugal Colonial Foods is not so easy to run when Mr Nuniwokingkac is off peregrinating his self! Now that the snow has come at last to us in Ontario and Quebec, many peoples are wanting good wholesome forest food. Jaques, theefore, is up to his elbows in the soup. And, what else, all of Mr Nuniwokingkac's family in Igluknuk are busy unearthing the caches of guillemots and walrus for our delicious Eskimo Chilli (of which you know, of course).




So, you are saying, enough of this, Jaques, about the work and so much, what we are really wanting to know is how you are feeling about your inscrutable and dependable Inuit chum flying away and leaving you so?







Well, I will answer. I am a man of the trees and the beavers, and I know the lonesome tundra ways, where only your dogs are there to talk to and eat (well, let's be frank, my olds, greater love hath no man etc etc), but, I must say ..... I miss him, this rough old rogue.






He is, after all, so resourceful - who else would think to be able to turn his hand to so many schemes? Piano movers, lifestyle coach, Sons of the Big Canoe and Information Technology guru - all this comes from his fevered brain. He is a fun dude, and no mistake. And so, all said, his gallivantations to India are leaving one big hole in Jaques's life.






Nevertheless .....

.... it is good that we spend this time apart. After all, he is searching for his camel, and who is to stand against it

Alors, what is he up to? Well, my cabbages, he has found his camel, but the birds have flown! He has told me that, in the dessert, he has had his fill - now he will go to Goa to seek his goal. Have you heard the like? But hold your breath. I have learned, so true, do not underestimate him, this man of the North, he is a surprise, and Goa will be too. He will chill the beach!

Lache pas Jaques!

Welcome, friends. It is not so happy that I was saying goodbye to that doughty Mr Nuniwokingkac as he fly on his travel away from safe and welcome Canada.

But, he have, after all, an end in sight - to meet the aeroplane of the dessert and his beautiful burdens - and who is bold Jaques to stand between them.


And so, off he go, to India.




I tell him, "Mr Nuniwokingkac," I say, "you must be careful there, it is not the same as Nunavut, oh no. There will be many things to surprise you." But Mr Nuniwokingkac, he is one tough cookie, and stubborn like a porcupine, so he just smile and say, "Qanuingittunga!" I know then that it is no good talking more, he will go.

And now friends, you are thinking, why is it that Jaques makes so much of this? Surely, he is not trembling of the lip and pressing his eyes at the errant Eskimo, like some damsel? Oh, no, my olds, bold Jaques is not a wet handkerchief, he embraces Mr Nuniwokingkac in a manly bear hug and kisses his cheeks. But Jaques wonders, "How goes Frugal Colonial Foods without the sharp and silent Mr Nuniwokingkac? It will be hard, yes." And so I wave him away sadly from Yellowknife and, shame to say, buy one big crate of Maudite to drink while I concoct my solo meal . ...




.... what are you asking? Heinnn, you are looking carefully at the farewell picture and seeing some flowers? Pantoute! But yes, these are, no doubt, the herbs, which are good forest food, my olds, which I give to Mr Nuniwokingkac as a gift from FCF to the people of India. How else will they know to purchase our delicious goods! Mets ca dans ta pipe!

Crazy like a broom!

Welcome all my friends from your constant Jacques Shellac, doyen of the forest and mighty chef of the wild. I speak to you this week alone, with only half of the famed Frugal Colonial Foods entrepreneurs. And why?


Well, it is because ......





My olds, Mr Nuniwokingkac is puzzle in his brain!









It's true.


Often he say little enough, but heinnnn, today he is voluble in extreme, and why?
Because, my friends, Mr Nuniwokingkac has found love!
But wait, you cry, c'est juste des farces! But no, truly, it is so. The silent man of the ice is melted.
Let me tell you how it is so, and you will believe.
We at Frugal Colonial Foods are hot like potatoes with the technology (as you see this blog), and there, Mr Nuniwokingkac has been waving one day, and has found the blog called Indiamayhem.blogspot.com and there he has heard how it is possiible to ride a camel in the dessert. It is no trifle, this!
Imagine , he say, the aerpolane of the desert, such an animal!
Even now, cou'don, he is busy to pack his meagre belonging on a float plane to this Jaisalmer, where the camels live, and why?


You must know that Mr Nuniwokingkac is expert with the dogsled (how else, you remember would he save me from the angry muskrats and bring me safe to civilisation in Yellowknife). And so it is no surprise that he look at the camel and dance some foolish bear.









So big a beast , he says, to carry two beautiful women. No dogs can do that.

Even now, then, he flies to this Rajasthan place to search the beast and its burden. Il est en forme.

Look out, I keep you to speed!

No recipes this week, therefore, except a little taste of Mr Nuniwokingkac's passion ....

Les fruits des bois!

When you are banging away in the forest, my chums, and you can't find find a meaty meal to eat, how often does your belly need to rumble? You are searching, here, there, all over, but no thing to eat can you get! It is like that, but no more.

Do not have a big heart, here we are, at Frugal Colonial Foods, publishing for you the receipts for juicy viandes des bois. No more you need to gnaw your fingers or bite your ears, for we have the solves for you!

(We are not here talking about fancy pettes de sahrs, or silly Christ's ears, but true food from the wood - I hope you enjoy).



Pan-Roasted Grasshoppers
Ingredients
½ kg grasshoppers

juice of 1 lemon

salt

2 cloves garlic, crushed

Remove their legs, head, wings and guts , so that they will not escape!
Pan-roast the little bodies over a high heat for about 10 minutes or until they (or you) turn red. Add the lemon juice, salt and garlic and serve immediately.

So to help you to find your tasty grasshoppers, visit here and learn how they call. Pretend them and they will hop to you, and so to your pot!

Crow and Mushroom Stew

3 crows

1 Tbsp lard/shortening

1 pint stock or gravy

2 Tbsp cream1/2 cup mushrooms
salt and pepper cayenne pepper

Clean and cut crows into small portions and let them cook a short time in the lard/shortening in a saucepan, but careful - do not brown them. Next, to the contents of the pan, the stock or gravy add, and salt, pepper and cayenne to taste. Simmer 1 hour, or until those pretty crows are tender, add mushrooms, simmer 10 minutes more and then stir in cream. Arrange the mushrooms around the crows on a hot platter. Here is a warning! Some people are thinking that the crow and his family are spooky birds. If this is you, do not worry, but wait for him to die of old age before you eat him (but make sure you cook the little fly maggots separately, as a sauce brun).

Worms Recipes

Worms are highly nutritious - yes, it's true my olds.

Preparation: Purge your worms - of course. Simply wash and place the little creatures in moistened cornflour for 48 hours. Wash cornflour off and remove any dead worms, paff.

Cooking and boiling: bring to boil for 15 minutes then change water and boil again.

Baking: freeze worms first. This stops them from slithering off the baking tray (good plan, yes!). Bake for 30 minutes at 125°C (200°F). Baked worms may then be ground into "worm flour".

To get you started, here is:

Worm Meatloaf

650g mince 1/2 cup boiled worms, chopped finely

1 Maggi onion soup mix

1/2 cup evaporated milk

1/2 bell pepper, chopped

1 slice fresh bread, shredded

Mix all ingredients together and place in a loaf pan. Bake for 1 hour at 250°C (400°F). So easy!

Spicy BBQ Frog Legs

~ decent amount of frog legs

~ 5 - 10 drops of tabasco or to taste

~ salt

~ pepper

~ onion powder
Catch a bundle of frogs! Wash the frog legs thoroughly. Place them on a large enough piece of foil to wrap them in. Sprinkle on the tabasco. Season to taste with the salt, pepper and onion powder. Wrap and seal the foil to create a packet., with all the tasty legs inside. Grill over medium heat until meat is crispy. Serve with green beans and baked potatoes. Enjoy.

and at last ...

Tarantulas

Collect as many of them as you can! But do not confuse them with the very crazy Camel Spider I am reading about here. But wait, it is only a joking!

At the campsite, the wriggly tarantula spiders are killed. Everything is used. The abdomens are removed and strip them of their eggs. These eggs you wrap in a tasty leaf and roast them over a fire to produce .... a spider-egg omelette. The bodies are tossed onto the fire directly, so to singe off the hair and to cook the meat. When they're done, the legs and thorax, too, are crack open and pick at them, just like when you are eating the crab. After the meal, the fangs--they are formidable, a inch and a half big -- use them for toothpicks!

And so, you return from the forest with your bagful of tasty eats, with thanks to, your friendly, true Jaques Shellac!